Episode 97
Why "Golden Rule" Leadership Doesn't Work (And What Does): A Conversation With R. Karl Hebenstreit
Most of us learned the Golden Rule early in life: treat others the way you want to be treated. It sounds thoughtful and fair, and in many situations, it's a perfectly reasonable place to start. But there is a problem when we apply the Golden Rule to leadership. Treating someone the way you want to be treated assumes that person wants what you want. It assumes they are motivated by the same things, respond to the same communication style, need the same kind of support, and define success the same way you do.
They probably don't, and recognizing that can change the way you lead.
That's one of the ideas I explored with executive coach and organizational psychologist R. Karl Hebenstreit on Your Priority Centered Life. Karl has more than 30 years of experience working with leaders and organizations, including AT&T, Merck, Genentech, and Kaiser Permanente. Our conversation started with leadership, but it quickly became a much bigger discussion about how we understand ourselves and the people around us. Whether you're leading an organization, managing a team, raising children, or simply trying to stop carrying everything yourself, there's an important lesson here: the way that works for you isn't necessarily the way that works for everyone else.
Golden Rule vs. Platinum Rule: What's the Difference?
The Golden Rule tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated. The Platinum Rule asks us to treat others the way they want to be treated. It's a small change in language with significant implications for the way we communicate and lead.
Imagine you're a manager who loves direct feedback. You appreciate knowing exactly where you stand, so naturally you assume your employees would prefer the same approach. Or perhaps public recognition motivates you, so you enthusiastically recognize an employee at a staff meeting without realizing they'd rather disappear under the conference table. Neither approach is inherently wrong, but they illustrate what happens when we assume our preferences are universal.
The same thing happens outside of work. Maybe you loved playing sports as a child, so you assume your child will love soccer. Maybe you thrive with a packed schedule while your partner needs more downtime between commitments. Good intentions don't automatically produce good outcomes, especially when those intentions are based on our own preferences rather than the other person's needs.
The Platinum Rule requires curiosity. Instead of automatically asking, "What would I want someone to do for me?" we can start asking:
How does this person prefer to communicate?
What helps them do their best work?
What motivates them?
How do they prefer to receive feedback or recognition?
What support do they actually want from me?
Am I listening to what they need, or assuming I already know?
This isn't about catering to every preference or eliminating reasonable expectations. It's about recognizing that effective leadership starts with understanding the actual person in front of you.
Why Capable People Get Stuck Using the Same Approach
There's another reason the Golden Rule can be difficult to let go of. The way we naturally approach life has probably worked pretty well for us. In fact, it may be part of the reason we've become successful.
Karl talked about this in the context of the Enneagram, which focuses not only on behavior but also on the motivations behind our behavior. Over time, we develop familiar ways of responding to challenges. We return to them because they've worked before, often for many years. The problem comes when we assume that because a particular approach worked in one situation, it will work in every situation.
This becomes especially relevant when someone moves into leadership. A person may be promoted because they were an outstanding individual contributor. They're efficient, responsible, knowledgeable, and excellent at getting things done. Then they become responsible for a team, and suddenly success isn't primarily about how much they can personally accomplish. Their job now requires helping other people accomplish things.
If they continue relying exclusively on the skills that made them a great individual contributor, they can easily end up doing everyone's work instead of actually leading. They solve the problem because they know how. They take the task back because they can finish it faster. They step in whenever someone struggles because it feels more efficient than waiting for that person to figure it out. Eventually, responsibility can quietly turn into over-responsibility.
Are You Helping or Over-Functioning?
This part of my conversation with Karl will probably sound familiar if you've become the "go-to person" at work or at home. You're capable, you see what needs to happen, and you know you can fix the problem quickly. So you do. The next time something happens, you do it again. Eventually, people learn that when something becomes difficult, you'll step in and take care of it.
That can feel helpful, generous, and responsible. But Karl pointed out that constantly giving someone the answer can contribute to learned helplessness. Instead of developing their own ability to solve problems, people can begin depending on you to solve those problems for them. You may be trying to support someone while inadvertently taking away an opportunity for that person to develop confidence and competence.
Now you have two problems. You're exhausted because you're carrying too much, and the people around you haven't had enough opportunities to develop the skills that would allow them to carry more. If you eventually burn out or become unavailable, there may be no one prepared to step in because you've been doing the stepping in all along.
This is where delegation becomes more than a productivity strategy. It's also a development strategy. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is ask a question, provide guidance, clarify an expectation, and then allow someone else to work through the problem. If you're feeling overextended right now, think about one responsibility you've repeatedly taken on for someone else and ask yourself: Is this actually mine to carry, or am I just used to being the person who carries it?
You Are a Swiss Army Knife, Not a Single Blade
One of my favorite metaphors Karl shared during our conversation was the Swiss Army knife. Most of us have a "main blade," which is the strength or approach we use constantly because it's familiar, reliable, and has served us well.
Maybe your main blade is decisiveness. Maybe it's empathy, attention to detail, strategic thinking, problem-solving, achievement, organization, or the ability to jump into action. Whatever it is, that strength has probably helped you succeed. It may have gotten you through school, helped you advance professionally, or made you the person everyone trusts when something needs to get done.
But a Swiss Army knife doesn't have only one tool. There are scissors, screwdrivers, files, corkscrews, and all kinds of other tools tucked inside. You may rarely use some of them, but they're still available when the situation calls for them. Karl suggests thinking about personality in much the same way.
Understanding your personality isn't supposed to put you into a smaller box. It's supposed to help you understand your default tendencies while recognizing that you have access to other ways of thinking and responding. You don't have to say, "I'm an introvert, so I can't do that." You can recognize that social interaction may require more energy from you while also knowing you can be outgoing when the situation requires it.
Likewise, you don't have to say, "I'm a big-picture person, so details aren't my thing." Big-picture thinking may be your natural strength, but you can deliberately access your capacity to pay attention to details when they're important. Your default is useful information about yourself, but it doesn't have to become a limitation.
Self-Awareness Shouldn't Become Self-Criticism
This distinction matters because highly self-aware people can sometimes turn personal development into another opportunity to criticize themselves. You take an assessment and learn that you're naturally inclined toward one approach. Then you look at a colleague with a different strength and wonder why you can't be more like them.
That's not the point of understanding your personality. A useful framework should give you more options, not more reasons to believe you're doing something wrong. You don't need to become your colleague, your boss, or some imaginary version of the perfect leader. You need to understand what you naturally bring to a situation and become more flexible about what else you can access when your default isn't enough.
Instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?" a more useful question is, "What does this situation require from me?" Sometimes your main blade will be exactly the right tool. Other times, the situation may call for patience when you'd rather act, listening when you'd rather solve, or stepping back when every instinct is telling you to jump in.
Pay Attention to When You Work Best, Too
Personality isn't the only individual difference worth understanding. Karl and I also talked about circadian rhythms and the fact that our energy doesn't follow exactly the same schedule. Some people do their clearest thinking early in the morning, while others come alive later in the day. Understanding those patterns can help you make better decisions about how you use your time and energy.
Obviously, most of us don't have complete control over our schedules. Jobs, children, clients, meetings, and other responsibilities create real constraints. But you may have more flexibility than you assume. If you know you do your best strategic work in the morning, perhaps you can protect some of that time rather than automatically filling it with meetings. If you consistently hit a wall at 3 p.m., you might reserve that period for administrative work that doesn't require your highest level of concentration.
You may even be able to have a conversation with your employer about shifting parts of your schedule. I've had clients who were surprised by how receptive their employers were when they explained a proposed change in terms of effectiveness and productivity. You don't need to redesign your entire life around your circadian rhythm, but paying attention to your natural energy patterns gives you useful information for making better choices.
The Platinum Rule Works at Home, Too
These principles don't stop applying when the workday ends. Parents can fall into the Golden Rule trap just as easily as managers can. We may have a vision of what our child will enjoy because it's what we enjoyed, or we may assume that the things that motivated us as children will motivate them too.
In our conversation, Karl and I talked about the example of a parent who loves soccer and imagines raising a child who loves it too. There's nothing wrong with giving that child an opportunity to try soccer. The problem comes when we become so attached to our expectations that we stop noticing the child in front of us. Maybe that child isn't particularly interested in soccer, but they're constantly drawing. Paying attention to those clues gives us the opportunity to help them discover who they are instead of trying to mold them into who we expected them to be.
The same principle applies to partners, friends, employees, and other important relationships. We can spend enormous amounts of energy giving people what we believe they should want, sometimes becoming frustrated when they don't appreciate it. Or we can get curious about who they actually are and what helps them thrive.
Better Leadership Starts With Curiosity
You don't need to master every personality system or completely overhaul the way you lead. A better place to start is simply noticing where you're assuming other people think like you. Pay attention to situations where you're automatically stepping in to fix something, and notice when you're relying on the same strength in every situation simply because it's familiar.
Then begin asking better questions. What does this person need from me? What does this situation require? Is this responsibility actually mine to carry? Is there another tool I could use here? Those questions create space between your automatic response and the choice you make next.
That's the shift from simply being capable to becoming more adaptable. It can make you a more effective leader, but it can also help you stop running yourself into the ground trying to be everything to everyone. Leadership doesn't require having all the answers or personally carrying every responsibility. Often, it requires understanding yourself well enough to know when to use your strengths, and understanding other people well enough to know when your way isn't the only way.
👉 Resources
Find Karl Hebenstreit: performandfunction.com | LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/RKarlHebenstreit
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The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.