Episode 98

Written By Alisa Murray

Stop Blaming Yourself for Being Late: Time Blindness, Drift, and What Actually Works

Listen on Amazon
Listen on Spotify
Listen on Apple

Tame It Series - Part 6

If you struggle with being late, there is a good chance you have heard some version of this before: “If it mattered to you, you’d be on time.”

That explanation is far too simplistic.

Chronic lateness is not automatically a sign that someone does not care, is disrespectful, or simply needs to try harder. For some people, especially those with ADHD, the problem may involve time blindness, a difference in how the brain tracks and estimates the passage of time. For others, the issue may be something I call time drift, where a perfectly reasonable plan slowly expands until the available time disappears.

These are different problems, but they have something important in common. Neither one is solved particularly well by shame.

Instead, it helps to understand what is actually happening and build practical systems around it.

What Is Time Blindness?

Time blindness describes difficulty accurately sensing, estimating, or tracking the passage of time.

Research supports the idea that people with ADHD can experience measurable differences in time perception. A large meta-analysis of 55 studies found consistent differences in time perception among people with ADHD compared with neurotypical controls, including differences in time discrimination and time estimation.

That does not mean someone with time blindness is incapable of perceiving time.

Research from ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkley helps illustrate the distinction. In an experiment where participants with and without ADHD were asked to estimate how long a light had been turned on, both groups performed similarly.

The problem becomes more apparent in everyday life, when attention is occupied by something else.

You start working on a project. You get absorbed in a conversation. You decide to look up one tiny thing online and suddenly you are 45 minutes into a music history rabbit hole wondering how you got there.

When your attention is deeply engaged, your internal awareness of passing time may become much less reliable.

That is why “try harder” is not especially useful advice. The missing piece may not be effort. The missing piece is the clock.

Think about someone with partial hearing loss. If they cannot hear something said across the room, we would not tell them to listen harder. We would recognize that an internal process is not giving them all the information they need, so an external tool may help.

Time blindness can be approached similarly.

And an important note: Time blindness can occur in people with ADHD, but experiencing it does not mean you necessarily have ADHD. It is information worth noticing, not a diagnosis.

Then There’s Time Drift

Time blindness is not the only reason people are chronically late.

There is also time drift, and this can happen whether you have ADHD or not.

Imagine you have a drawer that is only one-third full. You look at all that empty space and think, “I have plenty of room.”

So you add a pair of scissors. Then a flash drive. Then a shoelace that does not have another home. Before long, the drawer is stuffed and difficult to use.

We often do the exact same thing with time.

You look at your calendar and see a wide-open morning, so you fill it. Sometimes you fill it intentionally. Other times, the space disappears because activities take longer than you imagined.

The problem is that we tend to estimate the headline activity while forgetting everything surrounding it.

The Five-Minute Shower That Takes 30 Minutes

Imagine your partner tells you there is a movie starting soon at a nearby theater.

“No problem,” you say. “I just need a quick shower.”

In your head, the shower takes five minutes.

But “take a shower” actually includes:

  • Getting undressed

  • Waiting for the water to warm up

  • Showering

  • Toweling off

  • Choosing clean clothes

  • Getting dressed

  • Putting on your shoes

  • Finding your wallet and phone

  • Locking the house

  • Getting to the car

Then there is the drive.

You live ten minutes from the theater, so your brain assigns ten minutes to that part of the plan. Except it is opening night, traffic is heavier than usual, you need to find parking, and you may want to grab something to eat.

Suddenly, your “five-minute shower and ten-minute drive” has become 45 minutes.

The time existed. Your intention was perfectly good. You simply underestimated what the time needed to contain.

That is time drift.

How to Manage Time Blindness

If time blindness is part of the problem, one of the most useful strategies is to externalize time.

Instead of depending entirely on your internal sense of how much time has passed, put the clock somewhere your brain cannot easily lose it.

1. Use alarms strategically

An alarm can act as an external interruption when your internal clock has gone quiet.

There are two important catches.

First, if you use the same alarm sound repeatedly, you may eventually start tuning it out. Changing alarm sounds can help each reminder get your attention.

Second, do not set the alarm for the moment you need to leave.

If you need to leave at 5:00, an alarm that goes off at 5:00 is already too late. You need enough lead time to stop what you are doing and transition into leaving.

2. Make time visual

Numbers on a clock can be surprisingly abstract.

You look at the clock and see 11:15. Then your brain has to remember that you planned to leave at 11:30, calculate the difference, and register that you have 15 minutes remaining.

A visual timer removes some of those steps.

Visual timers show remaining time as something physical, such as a shrinking wedge of color or a light that changes from green to yellow to red. Sand timers can accomplish something similar.

For people who process information visually, seeing time disappear may register much faster than reading numbers on a clock.

3. Identify your slippery slope activities

Some activities are especially good at making time disappear.

Your version might be:

  • Gaming

  • Creative work

  • Research

  • Social media

  • Reading

  • A fascinating conversation

  • Working on a project you love

These activities are not bad. They are simply risky things to start when you have a hard stop coming up.

If you know you tend to think, “Just five more minutes,” and suddenly another hour has passed, use that information when planning your day.

You may need additional alarms, a larger buffer, or a decision not to start that particular activity until you have a less time-sensitive window.

How to Reduce Time Drift

When the problem is underestimating how long things actually take, the strategy is slightly different.

Instead of relying on instinct, make time more concrete.

1. Plan backward instead of forward

If you need to arrive somewhere at 6:00, do not begin with, “When should I start getting ready?”

Start at 6:00 and work backward.

Think through everything that needs to happen before you arrive.

If “get ready” feels like one five-minute task in your head, break it apart:

  • Stop what I am doing

  • Save and close my work

  • Change clothes

  • Find my keys

  • Gather what I need

  • Get into the car

  • Drive there

  • Find parking

  • Walk inside

Now estimate the time required for the actual sequence rather than the vague category of “getting ready.”

That number may be considerably larger than your first instinct.

2. Study what you are already on time for

You may already have evidence that you can manage time differently under certain circumstances.

Perhaps you are consistently on time for medical appointments but frequently late for casual plans.

Ask yourself what is different.

Do the stakes feel higher? Do you check the route earlier? Do you build in more buffer? Do you stop other activities sooner?

Instead of treating your punctual moments as exceptions, study them. There may be a strategy you can borrow.

3. Write down realistic time estimates

Once you discover how long a recurring activity actually takes, write it down.

Your brain may continue defaulting to an old, optimistic estimate even when reality has repeatedly proved otherwise.

Maybe you still think a particular drive takes 45 minutes because it did ten years ago. Traffic has changed, but the old number is still lodged in your brain.

Replace it with the real number.

Keep realistic estimates somewhere easy to reference, such as your phone or planner. You might record estimates for:

  • Your morning routine

  • School drop-off

  • Your commute

  • Getting ready for an appointment

  • Wrapping up your workday

  • Getting the family out of the house

When life changes, update the number.

A new dog that needs to go outside before you leave changes your morning routine. A new school schedule changes your commute. A new responsibility changes how long it takes to finish work.

Life drifts too, so your estimates need to change with it.

4. Consider a routine app

I have recommended RoutineFlow before because it allows you to break a routine into individual steps and move through them in real time.

One feature I particularly like is that the routine can take over the phone screen. If your phone itself tends to become a distraction, having the routine front and center can reduce the odds of picking it up to check one thing and wandering into something completely unrelated.

The goal is not to create an elaborate productivity system. It is simply to make the invisible parts of a routine visible.

You Do Not Need to Become Perfectly Punctual

There is another extreme worth talking about.

Some people become so afraid of being late that punctuality creates its own form of distress. They refuse to take a bathroom break because they might arrive three minutes late. They rush themselves relentlessly. They become anxious about every transition.

That is not the goal either.

Being considerate of other people's time matters, and if you are running late, a quick message is often the respectful thing to do. But punctuality does not require making yourself miserable.

There is also no rule saying that arriving early means you have to immediately walk inside and sit awkwardly in a waiting room.

If arriving early makes you uncomfortable, create your own waiting space. Take a short walk. Read in your car. Listen to something you enjoy. Set an alarm for when it is actually time to go inside.

You can arrive early without feeling like you arrived early.

Stop Treating Time Like a Character Test

Whether you struggle with time blindness, time drift, or a combination of both, the useful question is not, “Why can’t I just get it together?”

A better question is: What is making this harder than it needs to be, and what is the smallest thing I can do about it?

Maybe you need an external timer because your internal sense of time disappears when you are absorbed in something. Maybe you need to stop scheduling slippery slope activities before appointments. Maybe you need to admit that “getting ready” takes 25 minutes rather than five.

Those are practical problems, and practical problems can have practical solutions.

You do not need more shame. You need better information about how you actually move through time, then systems designed around that reality.

Start there.

👉 Resources

The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.

Alisa Murray
Previous

Episode 99
Next

Episode 97