Episode 86

Talking to Your Kids: The Communication Skills That Raise Confident Adults

Actually Talking Series

There is something magical about the last day of school. The bus pulls up bursting with excitement, children spill out carrying months of artwork and school projects, and suddenly summer stretches out in front of you like endless possibility. Along with the excitement, though, comes another realization. For the next several weeks, you'll be spending far more time together, which means you'll also be navigating more conversations about chores, screen time, sibling conflicts, bedtime, and all the little challenges that naturally come with family life.

Those conversations may seem ordinary, but they shape something much bigger than getting everyone through the day. Every interaction with your child is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and prepare them for adulthood.

When we think about our biggest goal as parents, most of us would probably say we want to raise capable, kind, resilient adults. We want our children to grow into people who can solve problems, navigate relationships, make thoughtful decisions, and recover from mistakes with confidence. If that's the destination, then the way we communicate with them today matters far more than whether every day feels peaceful.

In fact, a peaceful household isn't necessarily the goal. A connected household is.

Those two ideas are easy to confuse. A peaceful home can simply mean children comply because they know questioning the rules isn't allowed. A connected home is different. It creates space for children to express themselves respectfully, ask questions, disagree appropriately, and learn that conflict doesn't threaten the relationship. Instead, conflict becomes another opportunity to practice communication, emotional regulation, and problem-solving.

This idea is reflected in what psychologists call authoritative parenting, a style that is often confused with authoritarian parenting even though they are very different. Authoritarian parenting emphasizes obedience above all else. Rules are unquestioned, authority is absolute, and children are expected to comply because "I said so."

Authoritative parenting also includes clear expectations and consistent boundaries, but it adds something equally important: warmth, involvement, and two-way communication. Parents remain the decision-makers, but children are invited to express their thoughts and feelings, even when the final answer is still no.

Decades of research consistently show that children raised with this balance of structure and connection tend to experience better emotional health, stronger relationships, greater self-confidence, and better academic outcomes. One particularly fascinating finding is that children who are allowed to respectfully disagree with their parents are often more resistant to peer pressure later in life.

At first, that may seem surprising. Listening to your child negotiate for a later bedtime or argue their case for extra screen time can be exhausting. But every respectful disagreement gives them practice advocating for themselves. They learn that it's safe to express an opinion, explain their reasoning, and tolerate hearing "no" without believing the relationship is damaged. Those same skills become invaluable when they're standing in front of peers who are encouraging them to make unhealthy choices. They've already practiced saying, "I don't agree," in a safe environment.

One of the most powerful concepts in healthy parenting is something called attunement. Attunement means paying close attention to who your child actually is instead of who you expect them to be. It means noticing what excites them, what discourages them, what comes naturally, and what feels difficult. It requires curiosity instead of assumptions.

Children don't simply need to know they are loved. They need to feel understood.

When children experience consistent attunement, they develop greater emotional security because they believe the important adults in their lives genuinely see them. That confidence becomes the foundation they carry into friendships, school, future romantic relationships, and eventually parenthood itself.

One practical way to strengthen this kind of connection is something I think of as an "agenda check." Whenever conflict begins to build, pause long enough to identify two different agendas. First, ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish. Then consider what your child is trying to accomplish.

Imagine it's dinner time and your child is deeply involved in a video game. Your agenda is simple. Dinner is ready, and everyone needs to come to the table. Your child's agenda is just as real. They're three minutes away from finishing a difficult level they've spent twenty minutes trying to complete.

Neither agenda is wrong. They're simply different.

Acknowledging your child's perspective doesn't mean giving up your authority. It might sound like, "I know you're almost finished, and I understand why stopping now feels frustrating. Dinner is ready, though, so we need to decide how we're going to handle this."

That response communicates something incredibly important. It says, "I see what matters to you, and I'm still your parent." Whether you ultimately allow five extra minutes or ask them to stop immediately, you've preserved the relationship while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Children who experience that pattern repeatedly learn that authority figures can be both firm and respectful. They don't have to choose between obedience and feeling heard.

As children grow older, maintaining connection requires adapting rather than abandoning these principles. Teenagers, in particular, are often unfairly stereotyped as distant, dramatic, or impossible to communicate with. Those expectations can become self-fulfilling. When parents brace themselves for conflict before it even happens, teenagers often sense that defensiveness and respond accordingly.

Adolescence naturally shifts young people's attention toward friends and greater independence. That's exactly what healthy development is supposed to look like. Their growing independence isn't evidence that you've lost your relationship. It simply means your relationship is changing.

One of the best ways to protect that connection is by remaining curious instead of assuming you already know what they're thinking.

For younger children, research points to another remarkably simple practice: child-centered time. Spending about an hour each week engaged in activities chosen entirely by your child can have a profound impact on your relationship. It doesn't have to happen all at once. Ten or fifteen minutes several times throughout the week works just as well.

The key isn't the activity itself. It's that your child's interests guide the interaction. You're not teaching, correcting, or directing. You're simply paying attention. Whether they're drawing purple trees, building elaborate block towers, or creating imaginative stories with stuffed animals, your role is to follow their lead and enjoy discovering how they see the world.

As children enter the teenage years, those opportunities often look different. Long conversations may happen less frequently, but small windows of connection become incredibly valuable. Interestingly, some of the best conversations happen in the car. Without direct eye contact, many teenagers feel less pressure and become more willing to talk about sensitive topics. A simple question like, "How's geometry going?" creates an open invitation without making them feel interrogated.

If they choose not to answer, that's okay. The important message is that the door remains open whenever they're ready.

Ultimately, raising emotionally healthy children isn't about eliminating conflict or creating perfectly peaceful days. Family life will always include disagreements, frustrations, and moments when everyone feels tired or overwhelmed. Those moments don't indicate failure. They're opportunities to teach skills your children will use for the rest of their lives.

The parents who build the strongest relationships with their children aren't the ones who experience the least conflict. They're the ones who consistently communicate, "You matter to me. I want to understand you. I'm listening, even when we disagree."

Summer eventually comes to an end. School starts again, schedules fill up, and life becomes busy in new ways. The logistics of parenting will always demand attention, but relationships don't strengthen automatically in the background. They grow through ordinary conversations, small moments of curiosity, and the daily choice to remain connected.

When your child looks back years from now, they probably won't remember every rule you enforced or every chore you assigned. What they're far more likely to remember is how you made them feel. If your communication consistently tells them they are loved, respected, and worth listening to, you'll be giving them something far more valuable than a peaceful childhood. You'll be giving them the confidence and emotional security to build healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

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The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.