Episode 87

Couple Communication: Why Your Partner Tunes Out And What to Do About It

Actually Talking Series

It’s ironic that, for a lot of us, the relationship with our partner is the one that gets the leftovers. In this episode of the Actually Talking series, Dr. Alise brings 20+ years of clinical experience to the conversation most couples aren't having about how they actually communicate.

Backed by the Gottman Institute's landmark research on couples' communication, this episode covers what predicts relationship satisfaction (and failure), and what you can do differently starting today.

In this episode:

• Why the human need to feel seen doesn't disappear when we grow up

• What researchers could predict with 90% accuracy from just 3–5 minutes of a couple's conversation

• The demand-withdraw pattern: why it's so destructive and how it maps onto what happens in infant attachment

• Contempt vs. anger and why contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown

• Why "we" language matters more than you'd think

• The season of life when couples report the steepest drop in relationship satisfaction, and why it makes complete sense through the lens of attunement

• The six-month test: a simple question that saves relational energy for what actually matters

• What actually works when having those difficult conversations

This one's for every couple who chose each other and wants to keep choosing each other — not just in the grand moments, but in the small daily ones that actually make up a relationship.

Next week: How to have a productive problem-solving conversation at home, at work, or anywhere the stakes feel high, without steamrolling or caving.

🔗 Resources: Still face experiment video