Episode 102

The Hardest Person to Say No To Is You

Your friend has been having a hard time, and you want to do something nice for her. Coffee would be easy, and she would probably love it. Then you remember that she loves Italian food, so maybe lunch would be better. There is that great Italian restaurant in the city, and you could take the train. If the weather is nice, you could play mini golf afterward. There is also a movie you have both been wanting to see, and that bakery you love is right by the train station.

Before you know it, you have planned an entire day trip for someone who probably would have been perfectly happy getting coffee with you.

Every addition felt generous. It felt like more thought, more effort, and more love. You did not set out to make your life more complicated. It happened one enthusiastic idea at a time.

This is what imagination can do when it does not have a container.

When Nobody Else Is Asking Too Much

We often talk about overcommitment as though it is always caused by other people. Your boss asks you to take on another project. A friend needs a favor. Your family needs your help. Those commitments have an external source that you can identify.

Some of the fullest parts of your calendar, however, may have no external source at all.

Nobody told you to sign up for three classes through the parks and recreation department. Nobody asked you to turn a simple weekend plan into an elaborate experience. Nobody insisted that the project you already completed needed another three hours of improvements.

You did those things because they sounded interesting, meaningful, helpful, or fun.

That makes this particular kind of overcommitment harder to recognize because it does not necessarily feel like overcommitment while it is happening. It can feel like enthusiasm. It can feel like creativity. Sometimes it simply feels like being alive.

And I want to be clear about something: imagination is a genuine gift. Seeing possibilities everywhere is not a character flaw. Neither is wanting to make something better, more interesting, more memorable, or more meaningful.

The challenge is that a brain wired to see possibilities does not always come with an obvious off switch.

“It Would Be Amazing If...”

There is a particular thought pattern that can turn something simple into something much bigger: “I could do this, but it would be amazing if...”

You decide you want to eat a little healthier. Before long, you are making smoothie packs, high-protein muffins, and frittatas. Forty-five minutes later, the kitchen is covered in dishes, you are exhausted, and somehow you still have not actually eaten anything.

The same thing happened to me when I was teaching at a university. I loved teaching, and preparing lessons could completely capture my attention. I might sit down to prepare a lesson about the psychology of sensation and start thinking about how to make the material memorable for my students.

Then the ideas would start.

What if the entire classroom became a sensory experience? What if students moved through different stations, each one focused on a different sense? Suddenly, I was finding balloons, creating signs, making audio files, and reading research study after research study to find the most fascinating information I could share.

I loved every minute of it. I was proud of what I created and genuinely excited to see how my students would respond.

Then I would look at the clock and realize it was 2:00 in the morning.

This happened repeatedly, not because I was disorganized or procrastinating. I was so engaged in the work that I had no internal signal telling me when enough was enough. The hyperfocus and creativity that helped make me good at my job were also keeping me awake at 2:00 AM.

Eventually, that taught me something important: enthusiasm without a container can become exhausting.

FOMO Isn't Always About What Other People Are Doing

We tend to think of FOMO, the fear of missing out, as something caused by seeing what other people are doing. For creative and imaginative people, there is another version of it. You can also fear missing out on everything you could be doing.

You see a watercolor class and think it sounds wonderful. Then you notice a birdwatching class that would be fun to take with your partner. You keep scrolling and see a dog obedience class, which feels practically necessary because your 55-pound dog is still jumping on everyone.

All three choices are reasonable. That is precisely how your calendar gets so full.

A life that is too busy does not always happen because of one enormous, catastrophic yes. Often, it happens through dozens of small, completely understandable yeses that accumulate until there is no margin left.

Eventually, you find yourself longing for something as simple as an evening with nowhere to be.

When Everything Could Always Be Better

There is another version of internal overcommitment that has less to do with accumulating experiences and more to do with continually improving the things you are already doing.

The workout routine is good, but it could be optimized. The work project is finished, but another pass would make it stronger. The presentation is ready, but one section could still be improved. The hobby is enjoyable, but maybe you should take a class, buy better equipment, and really learn how to do it properly.

Continual improvement can be an incredible strength. It is part of what makes many high achievers excellent at what they do. Without limits, though, it can mean that nothing ever feels finished.

Your workload grows even when you are not technically adding anything new because the existing commitments keep expanding to fill whatever space is available.

That creates its own kind of exhaustion. It is not simply the exhaustion of having too much to do. It is the exhaustion of never experiencing the feeling that something is complete and good enough to leave alone.

A Full Calendar Is Not the Same as a Full Life

This is the distinction I want you to remember: A life with no margin is not necessarily a full life. It may simply be a full calendar.

White space is not wasted time. It is part of what makes everything else sustainable. It gives you room to recover, to be spontaneous, and to actually enjoy the experiences you intentionally chose.

Without that space, even things you genuinely wanted can start to feel obligatory. The birdwatching class you were excited about becomes another place you have to be on Thursday night. The day trip you planned out of love becomes a logistical operation that requires an entire day to recover from afterward.

For creative people, white space is especially important because creativity itself needs room. A brain that is constantly occupied does not necessarily produce its best ideas. Eventually, it may simply produce its most anxious ones.

Protecting white space is not a rejection of the ambitious, enthusiastic, possibility-seeking parts of you. It is one of the ways you keep those parts of yourself functioning well.

Look at What You Asked of Yourself

For your quick experiment, look at your calendar for the next two weeks and find one thing you signed yourself up for.

Not something your boss required. Not something your family needs from you. Find something you chose because it sounded fun, useful, interesting, generous, or like something you really should do.

Then ask yourself: Is this adding to my life, or is it adding to my load?

You do not automatically have to cancel it. The point is to look at it honestly rather than assuming that because you chose it, it still deserves your time.

If the answer is that it is adding more to your load than your life, you are allowed to let it go.

That does not mean becoming less creative, less generous, less ambitious, or less interested in the world around you. It means recognizing that you cannot pursue every possibility your brain is capable of imagining.

Sometimes saying no to yourself is exactly what creates enough room to enjoy the things you have already said yes to.

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The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.